Thursday, November 01, 2007

Les Miles Will Beat Alabama. His Balls Tell Him So (Here's Why)

The fate of Les Miles and Nick Sab- uh, I mean, Satan have been linked long before their uber-big game in two weeks in Tuscaloosa.
You see, Satan visited Miles in a secret gathering early July this year, and the effects of that meeting are still being felt in the college football world.
Nice one, Satan. I've got to give it to you: We didnt' see this one coming.
See, this offseason, Les Miles obviously made a deal with the Devil. It probably took place in the locker room (the visitors' so he could be alone) of Tiger Stadium when everyone else had gone home:
"Debel, if you give me balls, big balls (he probably stretched his arms out for good measure), well, hell, I'll do your bidding."
Satan probably put his hand on his chin and walked around in a circular motion and said: "Just give us November 3." Miles gave the thumbs up sign, and Satan nodded in agreement.
It was a quick encounter, a wistful wish that probably slipped his mind when he started going back over the depth chart, scratching out super frosh Terrence Toliver from starting No. 2 receiver and reinserting Brandon LeFell. Ole Les sat down in his chair at his desk, and he felt a strange sensation from his crotch area. "Well, ShaaaaZAMMM!" Les probably said as he looked down between his legs.
The seat cushion under his scrotum was literally decompressing was a rapidly increasing heaviness.
Those balls had arrived.
Les Miles' balls have been on full display this season. And his coaching skills have deteriorated as the season goes on. See, Les Miles' balls are consuming him.
Soon, there won't be a Les Miles. Only balls. Big balls.
Michigan will be left to fly some balls in for an interview come early February. Big balls.

Turns out Miles has needed his balls, more than any other coaching attribute.
Miles showed his big, brawny ballsiness with the 5-for-5 on 4th down against Florida (desperate), also with the failed fourth-and-2.7 against Kentucky (arrogant), and finally the "1-tick miracle" against Auburn (reckless). When history judges him and he is enshrined at LSU (by enshrined I mean frozen ala Hans Solo, in a sideline pose with his friggin' balls out!), a picture of his mug will not be considered as a memoriam to The Man That Replace Satan. Instead, in a long case of glass you'll see some balls dangling over the side. Big balls. Les' Balls.

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